Sometimes It's Too Much

Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks....sometimes it seems too hard to even handle...I never expected to feel such grief...about the adoption. I am grieving so hard for the families lost to my kids. It may seem crazy....why aren't I just happy they are MINE? I am broken....right to the core. I mourn for my kids, I mourn for their birth parents...I worry about the future.... I wonder what REALLY happened to them....why are they scared, why are they mean...why are they hoarders...WHY? I feel torn up inside wondering what will come to be of their birth parents?? What will they feel if they get saved and finally realize what they had...and simply let slip right through their fingers?? What will happen when my kids are grown and want to see their birth parents again?? Will I lose them? Why....why do they blame us for being taken away? Can't they see we are just trying to help, love, and keep them safe? Of course not, they are children...and there's no place like home...good or bad. I wonder who they will look like when they grow....like their birth parents who abused them...will it be a constant reminder of what once was? Will they feel hurt and rejected as they learn the truth about their past life? will they FORGIVE? I pray they do...do I? How can I honestly forgive the pigs that hurt my babies?!? How can I forgive the selfishness of parents who neglected to change or feed my children?!? I simply can't. God can. My heart is a mish mash of emotions...some days it doesn't even seem real...the adoption. But, it IS real...these kids are my GIFT....the Bible says in Psalm 127:3 " Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." It didn't say "birth children"....or "easy children"....or "mentally stable children"...or "well behaved children"....but simply CHILDREN are a reward....this means mine and yours...ALL of them. I wonder why their parents couldn't see that...I wonder what was more important than taking care of them? Surely if those thoughts run through my head, they are also running through my kids' minds as well. I don't have the answers to those questions for them...so they are left there...weighing us down. We need to leave those with God. Most of the time I can....sometimes not so much. they can't yet...the kids are too young, and it's too raw. Some of the kids have been upset lately because their memories of their families are fading...outsiders may see this as a "good thing"...being those memories are not safe and healthy ones...but they hold on to those...they hold on to the memory of "the one time we played"...in their little minds they can replay that memory and make it "feel" or "seem" like that was the normal for their family....in reality it was not. they convince themselves it was a "good" life and they had enough to eat...their bellies are not hungry now, so that feeling is a distant memory...not real anymore. They convince themselves that the sick "love" was not that bad...the pain is healing now...they convince themselves that it was OK to be left alone in the night or it wasn't so bad when mommy and daddy fought...but in reality there was blood and bruises galore...our minds are interesting places to be...as much as my kids are doing this type of thinking so are their birth parents. To hear them talk, everything was great and they were doing a stellar job of caring for the kids, and it's OUR fault the kids aren't with them. These thoughts can at times be all consuming...to me...but thankfully they don't consume God...He's so good. these are the thoughts and prayers of my heart...which are now being left at the foot of the Cross.