The things we don't talk about

I am in a really bad spot right now...and am asking any who may read this to pray for me. There are many things people don't "talk" about...one thing for me is my oldest adopted daughter. Her name is Savannah. I love her with every part of my heart, but it's not enough. She has RAD (reactive attachment disorder)...she cannot attach to anyone, and is full of rage..and I am her main target. She hates me as much as I love her. Kids with RAD can't love...it hurts them to love. They can't trust...they hate. they have been hurt too much...never loved the right way. She destroys things, throws fits, and is as mean as the day is long. She will sabotage everything we try to do...just to do it. I KNOW she is hurting and want to help her. We have done therapy galore, and it seems to have been exhausted...not many people know about this or what to do about it. I have researched this disorder and it seems every story I have read has taken years to recover. Some famous people with RAD are; Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer, and Ted Bundy....and Helen Keller. Only one of those got help. Savannah has taken things to a "new level" toady...and the truth of the matter...you know...the things we don't talk about...is I am SCARED out of my wits! I am terrified that someday she'll kill us all when we sleep...I am scared that if I have another baby, she'll kill it or hurt it...I'm scared she's going to burn my house down someday, I'm sacred that she'll end up in jail for stealing or murder, I'm sacred that she'll never be able to feel real love, I'm scared for the people who try to love her, I am scared she will keep all the walls up around her heart and never let us, her family, in. I'm scared that she'll want to go be with her VERY dangerous and dysfunctional birth family if she ever ran away..would they hurt her or even kill her? Will she hurt herself? Will she ever accept Jesus? I feel SO alone...my bones hurt. I cry out to God..MANY, MANY times a day. This is MY lot..I know. We have been chosen to help and love Savannah...and we want to, we just don't know what to do??We have been trained...we have been foster parents for 8 years...we even won and award before...kids we have had were recognized and given plaques for the most changed life...what are we doing wrong? Is her damage just too much? With out Jesus, she'll never be able to pull herself out of this awful place. We are all right there with her. I'm not saying I'm spending my days walking around depressed or freaking out...not at all. I DO find joy in Jesus...in my salvation. these are all the things that creep up...the things I don't talk about. I have talked with my friends, but nobody gets it. what I wouldn't give to just have someone give me an answer...I know God has the answer, I must just not be hearing it. I just wanted to share this...this is raw and real...and I am praying that if any other parent of adopted kids is going through this they know they are not alone...this is a very real and very scary thing to live with...we are more than willing to do so, for the sake of my child and for God's glory...but that doesn't make it easy... thanks for the prayers.

Sometimes It's Too Much

Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks....sometimes it seems too hard to even handle...I never expected to feel such grief...about the adoption. I am grieving so hard for the families lost to my kids. It may seem crazy....why aren't I just happy they are MINE? I am broken....right to the core. I mourn for my kids, I mourn for their birth parents...I worry about the future.... I wonder what REALLY happened to them....why are they scared, why are they mean...why are they hoarders...WHY? I feel torn up inside wondering what will come to be of their birth parents?? What will they feel if they get saved and finally realize what they had...and simply let slip right through their fingers?? What will happen when my kids are grown and want to see their birth parents again?? Will I lose them? Why....why do they blame us for being taken away? Can't they see we are just trying to help, love, and keep them safe? Of course not, they are children...and there's no place like home...good or bad. I wonder who they will look like when they grow....like their birth parents who abused them...will it be a constant reminder of what once was? Will they feel hurt and rejected as they learn the truth about their past life? will they FORGIVE? I pray they do...do I? How can I honestly forgive the pigs that hurt my babies?!? How can I forgive the selfishness of parents who neglected to change or feed my children?!? I simply can't. God can. My heart is a mish mash of emotions...some days it doesn't even seem real...the adoption. But, it IS real...these kids are my GIFT....the Bible says in Psalm 127:3 " Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." It didn't say "birth children"....or "easy children"....or "mentally stable children"...or "well behaved children"....but simply CHILDREN are a reward....this means mine and yours...ALL of them. I wonder why their parents couldn't see that...I wonder what was more important than taking care of them? Surely if those thoughts run through my head, they are also running through my kids' minds as well. I don't have the answers to those questions for them...so they are left there...weighing us down. We need to leave those with God. Most of the time I can....sometimes not so much. they can't yet...the kids are too young, and it's too raw. Some of the kids have been upset lately because their memories of their families are fading...outsiders may see this as a "good thing"...being those memories are not safe and healthy ones...but they hold on to those...they hold on to the memory of "the one time we played"...in their little minds they can replay that memory and make it "feel" or "seem" like that was the normal for their family....in reality it was not. they convince themselves it was a "good" life and they had enough to eat...their bellies are not hungry now, so that feeling is a distant memory...not real anymore. They convince themselves that the sick "love" was not that bad...the pain is healing now...they convince themselves that it was OK to be left alone in the night or it wasn't so bad when mommy and daddy fought...but in reality there was blood and bruises galore...our minds are interesting places to be...as much as my kids are doing this type of thinking so are their birth parents. To hear them talk, everything was great and they were doing a stellar job of caring for the kids, and it's OUR fault the kids aren't with them. These thoughts can at times be all consuming...to me...but thankfully they don't consume God...He's so good. these are the thoughts and prayers of my heart...which are now being left at the foot of the Cross.

What I'm Learning

This has been such a time of learning and growth as of late. I know we always grow and learn because God is the best teacher...and He is really working on me. It is SO hard to raise abused kids. I will never understand them. We have done foster care and took care of abused kids for 8 years now, and have done oodles of trainings and classes....but these kids are not all the same. Whatever these kids have gone through is a part of them, it makes them who they are. I don't think that most of them actually remember what happened to them in detail (one of mine DOES)...but it's still "in" them, does that make sense? These kids do not know the Lord as their Savior...yet. So, they don't lean on Him, and pull from His strength...they fight...HARD! One of my children has been B.A.D. EVERY SINGLE DAY....ALL DAY LONG.....since the beginning of October when she found out her oldest birth sister was moving to Virginia with an aunt. Her sister is not a safe person to live with, so she can't live here....her abuse created her to be a predator. This has made my daughter confused, lonely, and most of all MAD! She blames me for her not living with her birth family... I mean, her dad said that he loved her while hurting her....that's love right? It is soooo sad! She is pushing away...and I mean PUSHING away our love.... a healthy and good love, regular love,,,the kind parents and children are supposed to have...not the sick and abusive love she is used to. She pushes and is soo awful mean, she does this with tears in her eyes, she doesn't WANT to do this...I know she doesn't...but hate wins out...every day. We beg, pray, cry, talk....and nothing changes. So, what am I learning....I am learning that I have anger issues and am also learning to have patience. It makes me angry when she is so mean to me and my other kids....it makes me angry that she is hateful all the time...but my loving and patient God is still working on me...and He has shown me...it's not about ME...it's about her pain. Yes, it is so hard to live with....this is the reason she has bounced from home to home....but it's not about me....it doesn't have to be easy for me...anger just makes it worse, what example does that set? This week the behavior has spread like wild fire! All 5 adopted kids are acting the same hateful way! It has been the hardest week of my life! I have had a few not so proud moments where I let anger overcome me...but my forgiving and gracious Father has shown me again and again...to calm down and be patient! Yesterday, 2 of the five we well behaved. The other 3 were not. One was standing in time out until 9:00 pm last night! During this time my son needed to stand the proper way....he refused to do so until 9:00 pm! He broke 2 doors throwing fits! I got mad at first, and then God got ahold of me...and my husband and I prayed and talked...and we just left the room (he was not throwing a fit any longer, but still not standing the proper way) and we would just check with him every few minutes, talk it over with him so he understood this was not acceptable behavior and we are the boss so he must obey...he would say "no"...so we left him alone. He did not win....we "won"....he realized we are "the boss"...but there was no yelling or anything that would not please God (remember, I did have a few bad moments, but asked for forgiveness). I don't know why he's acting this way....he may not even know why he's acting this way....but he is. and I have to deal with it...patiently. So, God is teaching me patience. I pray that these little ones let God into their lives, but until then, the only example they have is my husband and I and my older saved children...I'm so glad He's still working on me!

"He's still working on me
to make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the sun and the earth
Jupiter and mars
how loving and patient He must be!
He's still working on me!"

Adoption/ Foster Care Pt 2

Today I will talk about the story of my boys. Just like yesterday, this has NOTHING to do with me...all about God!
The birth parents of my boys also had 4 children...3 boys and 1 girl. In August of 2008 we got the call for an emergency placement for two boys. When the social worker got here with these two boys we were floored! The older of the two (3 at the time) was nonverbal (almost) he could say dink (drink) and pee. He would not let people touch him, didn't know his own name, and didn't know how to play...seriously. He would sit alone on the couch and stare into the air at nothing for hours! It was so sad. He was potty trained, but had no hygiene at all in the area. The youngest one (10 months) was so gross! He was really fat...lots of huge rolls. He actually had mold growing in the rolls of fat! He had an awful skin rash and never smiled....EVER. He hated people and cried if you touched him. He couldn't sit up and had cows milk in his bottle. His mom sent only a few dirty clothes and no diapers. We knew nothing about what the living conditions were like for these kids. Come to find out they were removed from the birth parents because they (all 4) were left alone at night so the parents would go party. The oldest of those four was 5 years old. The would mess themselves and take off their clothes and walk around outside naked. They were not fed good food or watched. The children had no idea about how to eat healthy foods...and all they did was drink. the reason the 3 yr old we got couldn't talk was because nobody spoke to him! As soon as we started talking to him (the day he came we started...obviously)he started trying to speak. His first word was "bearplane" for "airplane"...he spoke V.E.R.Y. slowly and with GREAT effort. He still has speech issues that are serious due to him being ignored! The baby was the worst....his mom was selling his WIC checks for money for whatever reason she wanted. He was drinking cows milk and his system was not ready. We did not know this at first and the social worker didn't know it either as it was an emergency placement...we all thought she had just moved him to milk as you would an older baby...no big deal. Not so much. I was also feeding him table foods as I figured since she didn't send any baby food or even a note he must have been off baby food. Not so much. This poor baby got really sick because I was giving him milk and food! He hadn't even started cereal yet!!! I had to take him to the Dr. to find all this out, and he was lactose intolerant! She was giving him milk...that's why he was fat (he couldn't digest the milk) and he only drank! We got that all figured out. The boys were not used to any physical activity and would sleep all the time as they were so tired from playing :0) It didn't take long to get them adjusted. They have been very easy to care for and a joy. We have had MANY issues with the family of these boys, and their brother and sisters story is a sad one...I won't tell it...but it's sad even to this day they are not settled. We had to fight tooth and nail to get these kids. We are so blessed. The birth parents are still always in trouble, still having babies that they have to get taken away as their parental rights are revoked...and still in and out of jail...unemployed most of the time...it's sad.

This was a brief summary of the story of out journey with adoption through foster care. We encourage anyone who might have a heavy heart for this work to take the leap and get involved...there is much need. Feel free to send me an email or leave a comment with nay questions I might be able to answer concerning adoption/foster care...I would love to help in any way the Lord sees fit :0)

Adoption/Foster Care & Our Story

This is something God has put on my heart to share... not sure why, maybe someone is meant to read this or maybe it is a reminder to myself...I don't know. Talking about what my kids have gone through is VERY taxing on me...I am going to split their stories up. First of all, I am NOT trying to convince anyone else to do foster care or adopt...but I DO want people to be aware of what REAL kids are living with in our country...right in your own town...if you don't know..you don't know. I always felt badly for abused kids, but never really knew what they were going through...really. I will start with the story of my girls. We adopted three young girls through the foster care system and here is their story...it is a reflection on their strength and their survival skills. PLEASE know...this in NO WAY has ANYTHING to do with me...this is all God! People are always saying how wonderful we are because we adopt abused kids and foster many abused kids...it's not us...it's God! Here goes...

The parents of our girls had birthed 4 children...all girls. They were wild people with mental health problems. The mother had these 4 children with 3 different men. And often the men would molest the children..and it was OK with mom, it seems. The living conditions were what got CYS called out in the first place. The places they would live would look like this...just to give you a mental picture...in the reports it stated that there were open (huge) holes in the ceiling that let the weather come in...so imagine...it would rain and snow IN their house! They let the animals potty all through the home and never cleaned it up...hence maggots everywhere. They had no running water so the toilet was FULL to the TOP of "you know what"...which lead to using buckets and children "going" on the floor. They never did dishes, so there was moldy food all over...cigarette butts everywhere...and there was actually a nest of RATS living in one of my daughter's bed mattress! My youngest daughter was a baby at the time and her bed sheet was crunchy with dried urine. The smallest girls had awful rashes as they were never cared for. Cockroaches were many...so much the children (reportedly) smelled very strongly like cockroach dung. They smelled so bad they were forced to shower at school and later the lawyer that was helping them couldn't stomach the smell...he required that the children go to the CYS office and shower before entering his office! This is how they lived...this was really their home. Their parents were so mean and cruel, they would starve the children and then buy steak and ice cream and eat it in front of them. they would feed them ramen noodles every few days. My youngest daughter hardly ever got formula...they gave her mostly water in her bottle. All of my three girls are very small...my 8 yr old is of avg. weight now...but wasn't before...and my 6 yr old weighs only 36 lbs...and my 4 year old only 27 lbs. The just didn't grow because there was no nourishment! The parents would leave the children all the time in the hands of teen boys who were not caring for the in the right way...if you know what I mean. The parents would leave and lock them in the house. The parents forced them to watch pornography with them...the list goes on and on. The children had ill fitting clothes and they were VERY smelly and gross. They were made fun of at school. So, My oldest daughter (the second oldest out of the four) finally spoke up and the children were eventually removed from the home and put in foster care. The parents had visits with the kids but REALLY made it clear they hated my oldest daughter (my oldest of the adopted girls, I have a BIO daughter who is older) and ignored her fully. All of her siblings blamed her for the removal. They wanted to go home! Eventually the children went home...a few months later they were removed again because of the same stuff as before...so they were put back in care...all 4 of them together. Later they were split up as their needs were too great and one family couldn't put all the pieces back together and the kids were fighting with each other...and the oldest girl was in the parent role and it was abusive and messed up. From there my oldest daughter (the second oldest if the 4 girls) went to live with her birth dad...it didn't last only 2 weeks...then back to foster care....then with an aunt...didn't work...back to foster care...then with another who wanted to adopt her....didn't work...back to foster care...another family...back to foster care...then here. WOW! Her behavior is SO hard to handle that the other homes gave up....she makes it hard to love her. This is her defense....her survival mechanism. To this day she has been acting up daily since October when she got some news about her family...she is pushing us away to see if we will let her down, abuse her, and send her away. The other two smaller girls went to a foster home that couldn't have kids...and they didn't like the older of the two and blamed her for all the troubles the kids would get into...so she came to us angry and bratty...she is sweet and nice now. The youngest they had convinced she was a baby and a princess and she didn't have to listen to anyone! She told me this all the time! She is very small, so she looks like a baby...she's 4 and I just put away her 24 month clothes! She would tell me that she NEEDED to be a baby ans sit in a highchair, sleep in a crib...and poop her pants. She is now a normally functioning child...who delights in being a big girl! I left out some of the gory details to save embarrassment for the children...but you get the picture, I think. I am so grateful to God for bringing these girls into my family's life! I feel so blessed that God chose to have these precious children live here...and that He chose for me to be their mommy...forever! It's a scary thing...their birth parents have tried to even kidnap them before...but God will take care of us. I shared this with you not to make you feel sorry for these kids and other abused kids... It was a prompting from the Lord...and I am very pro-active where adoption and foster care are concerned. I want to raise awareness of the needs in our own communities...this is my mission field....God has blessed us beyond what I could ever dream of! This has not been an easy journey and is not without issues even now. These kids have major issues due to the abuse they have suffered....it breaks my heart...but God can mend their hearts.

One More Step Done!

Yesterday we received 3 out of the 5 new birth certificates!! We are so happy to have one more thing done :0) We are still needing to get new SS numbers for the kids. We have gotten all the new insurance stuff done, the names on the Dr. records changed, and them trained to use their new names....the little ones didn't even know they had a last name! How sad. Two of the little girls thought their birth mothers were Disney Princesses. They had no picture memory of what their birth mother looked like....although they show "scars" of the abuse she put them through. The older kids had a hard time using their new names as they were used to the old ones. this has been an interesting journey that is nowhere near over. The oldest adopted child is really having a hard time...she is grieving her "lost" family and can't understand why they hurt her...it's a long painful story. But, I am seeing this....getting the birth certificates....as just one more step closer to closure to the past, to the abuse, to the pain....and one SMALL step closer to a normal and happy life.

So Hurt!

Right now I am absolutely crushed. I am so sick of people treating my 5 adopted kids as if they are not "my own" kids! So many family members are making them feel as if they are not "really" part of our "family". One said to me.." All 7 kids will have the same number of gifts at Christmas, but I won't spend the same on "them" as I do the 2 birth kids."!! WHAT! Another family member wanted to just give plastic gift cards to the adopted kids and a gift to the "real" kids (their words)! WHAT!! and the last straw just broke...I just got word that my own brother and his wife are also segregating my adopted kids...and wanted to give the 5 nieces and nephews born into the family a nice and special gift, while they give the adopted kids a piece of plastic! It is not about gifts...I could care less if my kids get any gifts at all...I would actually prefer they don't! Especially since it is causing such problems! What kind of person could look at these beautiful orphaned kids as lowly...not good enough for equal treatment! These 5 kids, you know the "others", these are the ones who were nearly starved to death, raped, beaten, ridiculed, and abandoned....they should be the ones who get the special gifts...just for surviving their circumstances!! I'll tell you another thing...these people in my "family" have said to me....they said "These kids have never had a big Christmas before, so they won't know the difference!" I am SHOCKED at the mindset of these ignorant people, and since they are my family, my heart is totally broken. How am I going to realistically explain this to the 10 and under crew about the visable difference in their treatment...from people they love and who claim to love them?? One grandma still can't even say all their names right! They have been here for years! People are the most important thing...hearts...I wish I knew what to do...how to handle this...the tears just won't stop flowing...the kids see my heart broken...When did CHRISTmas turn into this mess? All I want is to rejoice in the birth of my Lord...not feel like this. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated!

Our Adoption Party

We had a great time at our adoption party. I'm glad it's over, but also glad we did it! We had a great turn out. All together there were probably about 60 people there :0) The kids had a GREAT time! They ate SO much food, thankfully none of them got sick. They ran around with their friends beating each other up with balloons, and playing tag. It was nice to see them have such a good time. We got lots of nice gifts, and got to see how much support we have from family and our church family. I LOVE my church family. I feel so blessed to be a part of my church, they are great people!! Now it's over, we can settle in as a regular family. Life is good!

Busy Weekend!

WOW! We sure are having a busy weekend! Yesterday was very nice and relaxing...but we got stuff done. We decorated the house and the tree for Christmas. Today has been busy with getting things ready for the adoption party on Sunday. We went down and decorated today. We didn't do much, but it will do. The rest of the day will be spent baking, making lists, getting last things around, and getting ready for the BIG ALL DAY shopping trip tomorrow with my sister :0) Lots to do!!

We Did It....we are ONE big, happy FAMILY!

It was an interesting time, to say the least! We were all SO excited on Friday!! We sent everyone off to be with kisses and giggles, practicing their new names :0) Then at 10:30 I got SICK!!! I mean REALLY SICK....I threw up until it was time to leave for the adoption, and that's not it...Ashley started throwing up at 2:00 am, and was sick even at the adoption (all over the hallway on the way to the restroom, poor kid!) and in the van Kyara got sick! But we weren't missing this day for the world...so we got dressed and went. What a fun day! There were 8 kids adopted that day. And it was nice, they had people speak...there was a commissioner, the Judge, and a few others. They had a man who had been adopted as a child speak. It was just a happy day! I have been to court many times to testify and fight for my two boys, so it was awesome to go and have it be such a happy day! I have never seen the judge so happy!! After all the adoptions we all went to a different room in the courthouse and they (the workers of the courthouse and the county) had a HUGE party set up for the kids with cupcakes and pizza!! The judge himself gave each adopted child a gift! What a special thing! It was unfortunate that I spent a great deal of time with my sick children in the van, outside, or in the bathroom. But, I had a lot of GREAT helpers! As you can see from the picture above with all the kids sitting in a row, we brought a lot of people with us! We had my sister's family, my husbands cousin's family, 2 sets of grandparents, and a friend and her kids! They all stepped in and helped Rob take care of all the kids when I couldn't be there to help. I pray someday the size of my own family will be the size of all those kids on the bench! We shall see what God does. Either way...I am one blessed momma!

Oh...we were all still sick yesterday....today..so far so good! We are going to head out for a trip to my SIL for Thanksgiving! God willing.

Touched

I am so touched by the outpouring of love from people concerning this adoption! I feel extremely blessed to have such wonderful people in my life! We have so many well wishes from people, baked goods, money and other things. I went down to the township building to pay for the rental of the community center for our adoption party and someone had already paid the rental fee for us! How nice! TONS of people have offered to help out with the party we are having...a friend and her daughter (4yrs old :0) ) stopped by tonight because they were praying for us today and made our family a cake on a birthday platter...to clelebrate our adoption tomorrow. We have lots of friends and family coming to the court house with us tomorrow...it's just nice to know people love us and our kids so much! God has blessed us more than we could ever deserve. I can hardly believe that tomorrow afternoon we will all be coming home with the same last name!! I'm giddy!! LOL

One More Day!

One more day until Adoption Day! I can hardly wait! It will be so nice to have all the people living here all have the last name...to be legally bind ed as a FAMILY....we can finally make the choices for all the kids....we are almost done! It's a dream come true! I fell so blessed that God saw us fit as parents for these amazing kids...it blesses me to tears. It also amazes me how He will work in spite of ME...I...Kim....and NOT worthy of such wonderful gifts, but yet here they are...and going to be my children forever...incredible.
The adoption will be so fun! We have invited about 17 people to join us at the court house. The county workers are throwing a pizza party for all the families after the adoptions are done. There are 8 children being adopted that day. 5 of them are by us. and the other three are being adopted one per family. My family are all going to wear coordinating outfits. The girls will wear a pink shirt under a white sweater and the boys will all wear tan or brown sweaters/shirts...and all of us are wearing dark bottoms...I think hubby is the only one who will wear navy pants, we will all wear black. I wanted to buy new matching outfits for all of us, but we couldn't afford it. So, we did the best we could with what we already have on hand. The kids will also get a adoption certificate, a gift from the county and we will get our picture taken with the judge. It Will be awesome!
On a sad note, in the paper yesterday it had one of the kids' birth father's name, offence, and charges (jail)....AGAIN! I'm so glad they don't have to live like that ever again!

Faith...or the lack of faith

Well, yesterday was interesting....I was just going along with my day...teaching science...and the phone rings. I answer, and it is our lawyer for the adoptions....my heart sinks....what does he want?? He was calling to tell me that he couldn't get a hold of my case worker, he had been leaving voice mails, and that we are missing a paper that was necessary for the adoption of the two boys...they had everything for the three girls, but not the boys! I thought my heart was going to stop beating. I must have looked awful because my kids all stopped with their school work and just sat in silence....staring at me....all I could think about was not getting to adopt the boys on Saturday! So, I called the county office and left a hundred messages with people who may be able to help us. At this point, I was truly feeling like I was going to throw up, my chest was hurting, my stomach was in a tight knot of burning pain...I mean serious mental stuff going on....so, I called a few people to pray...I was still having all the physical side effects from this awful news when Rob gets home from work. He walked into the house and took one look at me and came rushing to my side wondering what was wrong... I told him and he just smiled and said "it's OK"... I was shocked by his comment, and upset that he was not joining me in my sinful pity party! I asked him how in the world he could say "it's OK"?? He just looked at me with those big brown eyes and said "They'll either figure it out or they won't, it's not the end of the world...the kids are all healthy, alive, and will eventually be adopted. God is with us, and knows what's best."....I was picking my jaw up off the floor...and the steam was blowing out of my ears...thinking ....what is wrong with this man! Then the big question came...he asked me..."where's your faith?"....I about fell over...but what I needed to do was fall to me knees and ask for forgiveness from my Father. Why do I always fall so short in trusting Him. I KNOW His ways are best...that He will work all out according to His good and perfect plan....but I also know that sometimes His plan does not meet up with MY plan! There, I said it....I am weak in my faith. I get things in my head, and make plans, and then get really pushy when they don't play out as I think they should. I KNOW this is wrong...I KNOW God is good...always...but I need to have faith in the fact that all that is true for ME...not just to say it...but to live it. So, as I am working and praying through all of this lack of faith in myself...the phone rings...the county took care of it...it will all be OK...and I got to grow! WOW...God is such an amazing teacher!

Adoption Party!!

I am SHOCKED at how fast our adoption is approaching! I put off planing this party till the last minute because it overwhelms me! LOL...But once I get started with the planing it all goes fine. Just the thought of digging in makes my stomach turn! Enough of my wonderful friends and family have harped on me enough to start :0) I made a guest list, as well as an open invite to my church family. So, now I need to get invitations today and get to work on baking cookies and such. We are going to have around 110, I think....give or take. We may have more people from the church "drop in". I am having only finger foods as I can't do a meal! EEK! I have had many offers for help, so I think it will be ok. I am going to start gathering food and make a trip to Sam's for food and supplies. We are going to have a table decorated for their Life Books, a table decorated with information on it about foster care and adoption...and the life story of a child who is being adopted, a table with pics of the adopted kids, and another table with our "new" family stuff on it, like pics of all of us with the judge, all the kids together, and I'll have each child draw a pic of our new family and have them sign their "new" names! We are going to have organized games for the kids to play too! I hope it will all work out! Wish us luck!!

God's Protection and His Plans!

This month has been really eye opening! We have been able to see so many of the "why's" answered! You know those times of pain...where you wonder how God is going to get you through, why God allowed this into your life, what good will come from it?? Well, we have seen some answers this month and last month. My WONDERFUL sister told me a story today about a little boy we were planing to adopt a few years ago. Long story....it ended up that the county he was from took him from us, very suddenly, one day. That day his social worker called myself, my case worker and his supervisor (I then worked for a private agency)...this boy's social worker would not tell me what this "meeting" was about, I wanted my husband to take the day off work and come, but the social worker said it was not necessary. while I was there, this "man" ripped me apart and told me he had read the Bible and that that was not the way to raise a child, and if I didn't agree to change my ways then they were taking him from us. I wouldn't back down. I stood firm in my beliefs and we lost Robbie. It was awful. The social workers had to come to my home and literally tear him out of my arms. My husband cried. This little boy was moved from home to home after that and is now settled and happy. But, now I know (my sister knows, and told me) that this little boy had done some disturbing things to a woman in one of his foster homes. God protected my daughters from harm. All the heartache we went through....years of this sorrow...was to save my daughter innocence. God is always good. Another thing we got to see.... We went through some very tough times with our boys we are going to adopt, we thought it was taking too long...God was telling us to WAIT...their other brother and sister (they don't live here) needed to be moved from the home that was going to adopt them. We see that all the heartache was for a good reason. Another reason is that we were to wait until God said it was time...and we got to adopt all 5 at one time...this is unheard of! God is always good. And yet another thing came to light. The girls we are adopting have an older sister, we were planing to adopt her, but things didn't work out. She was really mean to us...we tried to work it out, but felt God was telling us "no". A month later we got a call that in her foster home (the same one she lived at before she lived here) she molested a boy the same age as my oldest (special needs) son. God protected my sons. God is good always. And today, I was talking to a social worker, and she mentioned to me to think about 3 boys that may need to be adopted, they will know in March what's going on. We are praying for God to tell us what to do. We know how hard it is to foster kids (we've done it for 8 yrs), we know how heart wrenching it is to adopt kids through the "system" and what's happened to them. It's harder than I can express. That would bring our numbers up to 10 kids! And I just got my tubes untied...so we are praying for more biological kids too. This seems unreasonable to me...but does it to God? God is good always. And the last thing I will mention is this. I have "came across" a family that will benefit from my testimony...and my husbands testimony...which is another LONG story....but The Lord has delivered us from a slimy pit of sin...it was BAD...and we will get to use our testimony to bless someone and let them know they are not alone, that God loves them, and there is no shame, only grace and forgiveness in God's love! We are going to be able to prove that marriages can be restored no matter how "bad" things get! WOW! God is good always. And the most impressive thing is we are SO TOTALLY unworthy of any of this! God is working in spite of my wicked and sinful nature! All of this literally fell into our laps...all the kids to adopt came to us within the first year and a half of foster care with this agency...people have gone through years and years or waiting and trying to adopt in this county...and we got 5! These people to share our lives with...fell into our life,,,it's amazing to reflect.

Looking Back

Since our adoption is coming soon I have spent some time reflecting on the last few years. It seems now like things flew by...but during some of our rough times, things seemed to move very slowly! I can hardly believe we are this close to having all of the children REALLY be OURS! It's more than I could have ever dreamed for! There were times where I was sure it wasn't going to work out....times where I really wasn't sure I wanted it to work out! There were times we were scared to death that other people were going to win custody of the boys. Times where we couldn't understand why things were at a stand still. Hard and sad times of testifying in court...witnessing to the birth parents...and wondering why they couldn't put the children first. Times of anger when the birth parents would accuse us of untrue things. Times of wondering if we could ever get the girls to straighten up. Lots and Lots more....we are so blessed to have these kids in our lives! We are so blessed to have a fair judge who can see what's best for the children in our county. But most of all we have a fair and loving God! There were so many times that I could not for the life of me understand why things were taking so long....and one day the case worker called and said we have a date for the adoption of all 5 kids...at one time!! God was answering all of my prayers....the answer was WAIT!! So I many times I pray and expect an answer...now...I never expect "wait"....looking back I can see so many times where the answer was "wait".....but I was not still and quiet in my heart...not trusting in Him. This has been such a time of growth and learning...I am blessed to tears!