My Flesh

My flesh is so strong and my faith so weak at times....sometimes I still get selfish and bitter....mostly when sleep is involved! Here's how it all played out...Sat. night, around 3:30 my 3yr old woke me up by poking me and telling me the monster in his room "made-ed" him sick....I thought he was being a silly 3 yr old & I put him back to bed. An hour later he woke up and was suffering from his asthma and had a high fever! 3 more kids woke up sick with fever and headaches. The day was long...Rob & I didn't feel well either. That night (Sunday) was awful! I was up 2 times with Savannah....2 times with Kate, 1 time with Ty, and about a hundred times with Colton, and up with the dog. Not to mention all the times I just checked on them all. I am their mom...this is my God given job. At this point I was starting to get REALLY tired and REALLY grumpy....especially at that big guy snoring next to me! Was any of this my husbands fault? No! Was it his fault he didn't hear any of this "action" through the night? No! Could I have simply woken him up to ask for some help? Yes! He would have done so gladly. But instead....I fed my flesh. I got mad, and selfish, and greedy....God got a hold of me though :0) He is faithful! As I laid there (everyone settled in for the night at about 4:00 am, and I get up for the day at 4:30 am!) I looked at the love of my life and God helped my heart soften to my situation...and I was no longer angry....tired, yes....angry, no! I realized I love that my kids want ME when they are sick...my heart would be twice as broken and hurt if they wanted anyone else! I am blessed to be young and able to go with little sleep. It took all of that just to see what God was showing me....

My kids are all better now...and we are all caught up on our sleep! Life is normal again :0)

My Current Issue

Ok.... my current issue is this....where and how to buy my groceries! I had been doing my food shopping at Sam's Club & I LOVE it. BUT...it's an hour away, and a HUGE inconvenience to get there...even doing "click & pull", and since they don't have everything I need, I'm still forced to go to Walmart through each week. I feel like I don't have any "control" or organization in the food department as of late. I think a lot has to do with Ashley starting to prepare a lot of foods and meals...so she may use something that I had bought for another reason, and then we end up with random things in the pantry! My pantry is big and has lots of shelves, it's not beautiful, but very functional...so I have room, that's not the issue.

So, what am I going to do? Today I organized & cleaned the pantry...put like things in labeled bins...that was fun! I am even having a bin for ingredients that are "saved" for something I want to make. I have a bin for "lunch extras", "snacks", & much more! I am thrilled! But, as thrilled as I am with the pantry, I still have to keep it full....which means food shopping. Where shall I go? What type of plan will I have? How much should I budget a week? (I have never had a food budget, but think I want to) Should I menu plan? I have some different ideas floating around my head....this issue has been a thorn in my side for 13 years! What do you do?? PLEASE help me! LOL

What's Been Going On Around Here

We had some pretty wicked storms a few weeks ago, which left us with trees to cut up and brush to drag (through shin deep wet manure, I might add! UGH) and fences to repair. The storm also fried tons of our electronics....including our computer. We have now fixed the computer and are back up and running. Other than that...we have just been busy living life :0) Summer fun!

The boys have had fun fishing with an older neighbor man. He calls and says "I wanna take the boy fishing"...and then we figure our which boy that would be! LOL....they have a great time of fellowship!!

Playing hide and seek.....you'll never see them hiding....in plain sight....in the hay! LOLJust being silly! Life is just too much fun to be serious all the time, right!

Making and eating yummy treats....and then texting daddy the pictures to make him jealous....heheheHaving dance parties!

Life is good! I'm not sure how much I will be posting anymore...it's been on my heart for a while. I'm just praying and waiting for direction. Time suckers, I must be careful about time suckers...these kiddos deserve my full attention...and hey, who would want to be stuck to a computer while all this fun was happening?? Not me! Go enjoy your day & have some fun!

When Daddy's Home!

When Daddy's home, what do we do??? We have a water fight inside the house, of course! Have I ever mentioned that I have the funnest husband EVER!

In the mind of a 4 yr old

Today at breakfast my 4 yr old daughter announced this... " I don't want to go to Hell of college either!" LOL....I LOVE that she is already having eternal thoughts....but college choices are bit far off, don't ya think?? hehe!!

The things we don't talk about

I am in a really bad spot right now...and am asking any who may read this to pray for me. There are many things people don't "talk" about...one thing for me is my oldest adopted daughter. Her name is Savannah. I love her with every part of my heart, but it's not enough. She has RAD (reactive attachment disorder)...she cannot attach to anyone, and is full of rage..and I am her main target. She hates me as much as I love her. Kids with RAD can't love...it hurts them to love. They can't trust...they hate. they have been hurt too much...never loved the right way. She destroys things, throws fits, and is as mean as the day is long. She will sabotage everything we try to do...just to do it. I KNOW she is hurting and want to help her. We have done therapy galore, and it seems to have been exhausted...not many people know about this or what to do about it. I have researched this disorder and it seems every story I have read has taken years to recover. Some famous people with RAD are; Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer, and Ted Bundy....and Helen Keller. Only one of those got help. Savannah has taken things to a "new level" toady...and the truth of the matter...you know...the things we don't talk about...is I am SCARED out of my wits! I am terrified that someday she'll kill us all when we sleep...I am scared that if I have another baby, she'll kill it or hurt it...I'm scared she's going to burn my house down someday, I'm sacred that she'll end up in jail for stealing or murder, I'm sacred that she'll never be able to feel real love, I'm scared for the people who try to love her, I am scared she will keep all the walls up around her heart and never let us, her family, in. I'm scared that she'll want to go be with her VERY dangerous and dysfunctional birth family if she ever ran away..would they hurt her or even kill her? Will she hurt herself? Will she ever accept Jesus? I feel SO alone...my bones hurt. I cry out to God..MANY, MANY times a day. This is MY lot..I know. We have been chosen to help and love Savannah...and we want to, we just don't know what to do??We have been trained...we have been foster parents for 8 years...we even won and award before...kids we have had were recognized and given plaques for the most changed life...what are we doing wrong? Is her damage just too much? With out Jesus, she'll never be able to pull herself out of this awful place. We are all right there with her. I'm not saying I'm spending my days walking around depressed or freaking out...not at all. I DO find joy in Jesus...in my salvation. these are all the things that creep up...the things I don't talk about. I have talked with my friends, but nobody gets it. what I wouldn't give to just have someone give me an answer...I know God has the answer, I must just not be hearing it. I just wanted to share this...this is raw and real...and I am praying that if any other parent of adopted kids is going through this they know they are not alone...this is a very real and very scary thing to live with...we are more than willing to do so, for the sake of my child and for God's glory...but that doesn't make it easy... thanks for the prayers.

My crazy life!

Our life seems to never be "normal"....lol...these beautiful young ladies have new roommates! Ducks moved into their barn! LOL...the horses are not impressed, I'm sure! LOL...I have no clue who's ducks they are, they are tame, white ducks. They are not afraid of people at all. The hens hate them and are squawking at them all the time...the ducks don't care one bit. Another funny thing, the dog doesn't care about the ducks! LOL...I wonder what's next!

Today's Thoughts

I am doing lots of learning today and wanted to share what's on my mind! Fact : when you are 3 and you wear dinosaur pants and roar really loud...you are REALLY a true life dinosaur! Watch Out: It gives you a head ache and a heart attack...when things are quiet and then out of the blue you hear a dinosaur...it's a bit scary! Learning: have Rob bring ear plugs home from work...or hide the dinosaur pants! fact: Did you know when you are the "hider" in hide and seek, all you have to do is stand still and close your eyes....shhh....nobody will see you! Learning: that does NOT work...you will be found first EVERY SINGLE TIME...and you'll cry too! Question: when you are 3 and pee your pants, why do you think nobody will notice?? Watch Out: you must be always watchful...as the "pee pants kid" REALLY does not think anyone will notice, he may just plop down on the couch before you DO notice! YIKES! Maybe he should take lessons from the astronaut...hehehe... Learning: remind 3 year old to go potty before he goes out to play! Life is FULL of fun and learning...laughter and some scary moments too! they are all a gift from God! Have a great day in the Lord!!

Zip Lock Bags & God

As I was making monkey bread for breakfast this morning, I was shaking the biscuit pieces with cinnamon & sugar in a zip lock bag. I found myself thinking and chuckling about how glad I was that I trusted this zip lock bag or else I would have a real mess on my hands! That led me to think about all the other things I put my "trust" in...my vacuum, my computer, my van, my phone, my checkbook, my church, my friends...the list goes on and on...I had to evaluate where I was with God....do I trust Him more than a zip lock bag? you bet I do! The tricky part is putting things into perspective...and to not lean on the "things" that I "trust" during my daily life more than I lean on my Lord....He must be forefront in my mind...hmmm...something to think about for me today :0)

When Hubby Shuts Down Plan "A"

I was working on painting the little girl's room and was at a point where I needed Rob's help...even though he has expressed to me he was not wanting to get into any projects right now. He said it was fine for me to do things that I could do by myself, he was just too busy. I think I ignored that or something....LOL....Not on purpose, I was just "focused"! The little girl's room has a very tall ceiling that is peaked and I "needed" him to paint it. That was my plan "A". I had already painted the trim, and the room looks silly as is. He said "no"! gasp! LOL...what...."no"?? Had I listened to my loving husband the FIRST time, as I should, I would not be in this "mess" of sorts! But here I am. I now have a goofy room that I cannot paint! This is my natural consequence, and I deserve it....fully! So what do you do when hubby shuts down plan "A"?? You move on to plan "B" with a more gentle and submissive spirit! And I'll guarantee that it will not involve Rob's help :) He loves to help me, don't get me wrong....but he just re-did our kitchen and since we did it as we could afford it...it took 3 months! Lots got put off during this time...all 3 of our vehicles need repair, barns need cleaned out when the manure thaws, pastures need work, hooves trimmed, etc....you know, guy stuff :0) Plan "B" looks like this.....do the best I can to make the ugly, goofy, room look pretty! LOL...I am going to HURRY and get that room done, so I don't have to think about my offense to my husband anymore! I'm so glad for a forgiving husband and mostly a forgiving God!

Don't Trust Them!

Rob and I were laying in our big King size bed after dinner with some of our littles, I think 5 of them were there...I had to run downstairs and do some things, but Rob stayed there. He was pretending to sleep...not a good idea! The kids look innocent and cute....but that's just a show...here's what happened to my poor husband...LOL....he was getting "tickled" by all sorts of little fingers...but it was really the equivalent of your skin getting torn off your face...lots of giggles and talk of "tickling Daddy's beard"...that should wake him up...nope. They move on to his feet...he just about tore his toe nail off, it's really sore...more giggles about how this would really work!....nope...he's a strong man....then "it" happened....the giggles got really loud, he was probly sweating bullets by now, wondering what they are gonna do next...Kyara (she's 6) says to Cyle (he's 5)..."go on Cyle, just put it right in his eye...that should do it!"....YIKES! They were right!! To save his eye, my loving man "woke up" and was the "tickle monster"! What fun!!

Proverbs 17:22

"A cheerful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones "

I thank God for these fun and light moments, I NEED them...for my health. There are so many things right now that are heavy on my heart...we just figured out our oldest adopted daughter suffers from RAD (reactive attachment disorder), she's so hard to live with...I LOVE her SO much, but her little self is so broken...she needs God but HATES Him...that's enough for a broken mommy heart...I have been trying to get pregnant for a year with no succsess...ouch...especially after have a reversal done...lots and lots that I could let "get me down"...but my God is good...all the time! There is so much to be joyful about...and it's ALL from Him...what WE see as good and bad, it's ALL allowed by God..we just need to trust Him!

Today's Thoughts

Today I am thinking and learning much...also a few things to watch out for!
1. Thought: Blue painter's tape is NOT my friend....AT ALL!

2. Thought: Maybe home improvements should be left to my husband....lol...

3: Learning: We watched a video about astronauts and space ships!

4: Watch Out: We learned that to get to space the astronausts wear adult diapers....I made a mental note to hide ALL Pull-Ups!

5: Watch Out: There has already been talk of getting bikes to go fast like a rocket...

6: Learning: I need to always have Band-Aides on hand...this could get messy! LOL

Have a blessed day! Hope you are learning much & loving much along the way!! :)

Singing My Husbands Praises

I LOVE my husband for so many reasons...one is that he is so handy! He can fix just about anything! Our washer is old...about 14 years old. My husband used to work in a foundry and would come out B.L.A.C.K. from HEAD to TOE....and he also worked on a farm in the mornings for years...so our washed has taken alot of abuse. Our clothes were stinky right out of the washer and it was driving us crazy! He checked the whole machine and could find nothing wrong...but he is so frugal minded and resourceful he looked more into it and figured out that the inner drum needed a good cleaning....it was gross....so all that yucky stuff was getting in my wash every single time! YUCK! So, Rob worked for a few hours....spent $0...and fixed my washer :0) I now have great smelling wash....all thanks to the talent God has given my husband! I thank God for him ALL the time! What a blessing my husband is! I love to let him know just how much I love and appreciate him ;0)

More SNOW...are you kidding!

UGHHH....and know I hit those keys kinda hard...lol...we are going to be getting another foot of snow! We already have 6 inches since last night and the storm is supposed to last through the day and into tonight....SO SICK OF SNOW! There have been years we have had our garden tilled and peas in already! We are praying for no more snow! LOL

Sometimes It's Too Much

Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks....sometimes it seems too hard to even handle...I never expected to feel such grief...about the adoption. I am grieving so hard for the families lost to my kids. It may seem crazy....why aren't I just happy they are MINE? I am broken....right to the core. I mourn for my kids, I mourn for their birth parents...I worry about the future.... I wonder what REALLY happened to them....why are they scared, why are they mean...why are they hoarders...WHY? I feel torn up inside wondering what will come to be of their birth parents?? What will they feel if they get saved and finally realize what they had...and simply let slip right through their fingers?? What will happen when my kids are grown and want to see their birth parents again?? Will I lose them? Why....why do they blame us for being taken away? Can't they see we are just trying to help, love, and keep them safe? Of course not, they are children...and there's no place like home...good or bad. I wonder who they will look like when they grow....like their birth parents who abused them...will it be a constant reminder of what once was? Will they feel hurt and rejected as they learn the truth about their past life? will they FORGIVE? I pray they do...do I? How can I honestly forgive the pigs that hurt my babies?!? How can I forgive the selfishness of parents who neglected to change or feed my children?!? I simply can't. God can. My heart is a mish mash of emotions...some days it doesn't even seem real...the adoption. But, it IS real...these kids are my GIFT....the Bible says in Psalm 127:3 " Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." It didn't say "birth children"....or "easy children"....or "mentally stable children"...or "well behaved children"....but simply CHILDREN are a reward....this means mine and yours...ALL of them. I wonder why their parents couldn't see that...I wonder what was more important than taking care of them? Surely if those thoughts run through my head, they are also running through my kids' minds as well. I don't have the answers to those questions for them...so they are left there...weighing us down. We need to leave those with God. Most of the time I can....sometimes not so much. they can't yet...the kids are too young, and it's too raw. Some of the kids have been upset lately because their memories of their families are fading...outsiders may see this as a "good thing"...being those memories are not safe and healthy ones...but they hold on to those...they hold on to the memory of "the one time we played"...in their little minds they can replay that memory and make it "feel" or "seem" like that was the normal for their family....in reality it was not. they convince themselves it was a "good" life and they had enough to eat...their bellies are not hungry now, so that feeling is a distant memory...not real anymore. They convince themselves that the sick "love" was not that bad...the pain is healing now...they convince themselves that it was OK to be left alone in the night or it wasn't so bad when mommy and daddy fought...but in reality there was blood and bruises galore...our minds are interesting places to be...as much as my kids are doing this type of thinking so are their birth parents. To hear them talk, everything was great and they were doing a stellar job of caring for the kids, and it's OUR fault the kids aren't with them. These thoughts can at times be all consuming...to me...but thankfully they don't consume God...He's so good. these are the thoughts and prayers of my heart...which are now being left at the foot of the Cross.

Rip Off!

ARGG! We are re-doing our floor in the kitchen....it's a LOONNGG story...but this is the second time in 3 days our flooring has been torn up...our sub-floor fixed and we have had to buy flooring twice! EEK! anyway....the rip off is this...I went to Lowe's in a rush...the floor guy is coming tomorrow to lay the flooring and we still have repair work to do...another LOONNGG story...lol...so...I go to buy a gallon of floor patch for $25....they had none...but they did have quart size containers of the stuff I needed...for $10 a pop! WOW! I needed 4 of them to get the job done...so instead of paying $25, I had to pay $40! Makes me mad...such a rip off...same stuff...same amount bought....NOT the same price! UGH....Can't wait to have this project done!

Simple Things

It was time for me to buy new clothes....yuck! This is not my favorite thing to do...AT...ALL! I am not a "thin" woman....I'm not rolly-polly either....just "plump"...I am also particular about how things fit and how they look...not meaning trendy style, but modesty. We have a few rules about clothes here in our family...no shoulders, no knees, and nothing tight. Trying to find clothes in today's world is not so easy! I can't stand it when my pants gap at the waist or when they fall down when I bend or squat...ARGG! I am always very prayerful about where God wants me to be as far as dress is concerned...and I do not feel led to wear only skirts...there...I said it. Each and every one of us needs to do what we feel the Lord is telling us to do, and that's what I feel. Either way, we are to be modest and feminine in our appearance.
Little man had another Dr. apt last night and he still is very sick (pneumonia)...we had to go to Walmart and wait for 2 more meds...while we were waiting I had time to do a bit of shopping. I tried on about 700 pairs of pants and finally found two that I liked :0) It sometimes takes me months to find pants I like, so I was happy...then I found 6 shirts that were modest and feminine. I also bought 2 pair of shoes that were cute and servicable. This may sound like a shopping spree...but I had already been to our thrift shop and found nothing. I only spent about $100...so it was OK.
My title of this post was "Simple Things"....what I mean by that is this.... no matter what you wear (pants/skirts) you can be feminine and pretty...weather you are large or small, it can be done. Yes, I would LOVE to be thinner and healthier...we are always working on this...but right now I am not. So, just by wearing pretty colors, cute but functionable shoes (meaning for me, cute sneakers..lol...)and doing a little something different with your heair each day ( just small variations make you feel better, I think) makes you appear and feel more feminine. We are women and it's a gift. I want to teach my daughters to love pretty things and embrace who they are. Sometimes I see young girls who want to act like boys. This bothers me. Yes, my girls and myeslf ride fourwheelers and camp and garden and cut fire wood...we have poopy boots and take care of animal chores...just like the boys do...but we need to try to have a feminine "way" about us while we do these things. We have cute work gloves, I teach them to sit like a lady...yup, we can sit on a tree stump or fallen log with the best of 'em....but they will keep their legs closed while doing so! They catch bugs and frogs...but they "act" like ladies while doing it. Where did it come to be that being girly was bad? My oldest daughter had a very hard time embracing her girly-ness...she hated being a girl...and at times still does. It wasn't until recently she understood all the teaching she was being given...she was playing with a boy and he kept roughing her up and she hated it! She told him to stop and that she was a girl and to not hit her! LOL...she loves American Girl dolls, tea parties, and being pretty. I'm not talking vanity...but taking care of ourselves.
So, these are the things that are on my heart concerning the simple things :0)

Mom's Tools

I have a few things that I use ALL the time...they are my favorite things....the things I couldn't "live" without...LOL...
1. My Bible....of course to study, grow, and teach!

2. My Muck boots....they are so tall, warm, and dry! They are the best chore boots ever! I "share" my pair with my two oldest kids...really they just steal 'em from me! LOL

3. My pizza cutter....I use it to cut pretty much everything the kids eat! I can cut up a pancake, waffle, fried egg...etc...in no time at all!

4. My "jump rope"... I have a bright blue jump rope that has funky polka dot ribbons tied on...one end of the rope has a big loop to go around my arm or just to hang onto...then the littles hang on to the loops and we are safe and sound as we shop...the rule is to not let go of the rope...no matter what...and we have really made out very well with this method :0)

5. Mt timer...I use my timer for TONS of stuff...fixing the coal fire, kids reading, kids math, my computer time, chores, cooking...etc...it's so very handy!

Those are only 5 of the things that make my day easier and more organized (at least in my head!)...what are your favorite "tools"??

I CAN do it!

These are the pictures my oldest daughter (11) took of her little brother while she was "helping" him get dressed after breakfast....that explains the messy face..lol....He insisted...." I CAN do it!"....not yet, little man! Good try!

You Know It's Time...

You know it's time to buy new socks when your 4 yr old daughter comes and says to you that her sock has too many holes and she can't move it around so her heel doesn't come out! LOL...