The things we don't talk about

I am in a really bad spot right now...and am asking any who may read this to pray for me. There are many things people don't "talk" about...one thing for me is my oldest adopted daughter. Her name is Savannah. I love her with every part of my heart, but it's not enough. She has RAD (reactive attachment disorder)...she cannot attach to anyone, and is full of rage..and I am her main target. She hates me as much as I love her. Kids with RAD can't love...it hurts them to love. They can't trust...they hate. they have been hurt too much...never loved the right way. She destroys things, throws fits, and is as mean as the day is long. She will sabotage everything we try to do...just to do it. I KNOW she is hurting and want to help her. We have done therapy galore, and it seems to have been exhausted...not many people know about this or what to do about it. I have researched this disorder and it seems every story I have read has taken years to recover. Some famous people with RAD are; Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffery Dahmer, and Ted Bundy....and Helen Keller. Only one of those got help. Savannah has taken things to a "new level" toady...and the truth of the matter...you know...the things we don't talk about...is I am SCARED out of my wits! I am terrified that someday she'll kill us all when we sleep...I am scared that if I have another baby, she'll kill it or hurt it...I'm scared she's going to burn my house down someday, I'm sacred that she'll end up in jail for stealing or murder, I'm sacred that she'll never be able to feel real love, I'm scared for the people who try to love her, I am scared she will keep all the walls up around her heart and never let us, her family, in. I'm scared that she'll want to go be with her VERY dangerous and dysfunctional birth family if she ever ran away..would they hurt her or even kill her? Will she hurt herself? Will she ever accept Jesus? I feel SO alone...my bones hurt. I cry out to God..MANY, MANY times a day. This is MY lot..I know. We have been chosen to help and love Savannah...and we want to, we just don't know what to do??We have been trained...we have been foster parents for 8 years...we even won and award before...kids we have had were recognized and given plaques for the most changed life...what are we doing wrong? Is her damage just too much? With out Jesus, she'll never be able to pull herself out of this awful place. We are all right there with her. I'm not saying I'm spending my days walking around depressed or freaking out...not at all. I DO find joy in Jesus...in my salvation. these are all the things that creep up...the things I don't talk about. I have talked with my friends, but nobody gets it. what I wouldn't give to just have someone give me an answer...I know God has the answer, I must just not be hearing it. I just wanted to share this...this is raw and real...and I am praying that if any other parent of adopted kids is going through this they know they are not alone...this is a very real and very scary thing to live with...we are more than willing to do so, for the sake of my child and for God's glory...but that doesn't make it easy... thanks for the prayers.