Raw Pain

It seems to be everywhere....this raw pain. I went to a celebration of life on Saturday...what a time to celebrate the birth of a sweet little life....but within this joy was so much pain. Strange. We ( a whole bunch of ladies from church) were there to celebrate...there was a young, newly married girl, who just had a miscarriage...the shower was for her best friend. There was another young woman, the guest of honor's sister, who recently found out she can not carry a child and has miscarriages...there were older ladies who had lost babies, ladies who wished they had had more children, ladies who lost their husbands and all they have to hold are their children...and the guest of honor's own mother had lost a daughter when she was only 4...and then there was myself...I had a tubal reversal almost a year ago...and no pregnancy yet. At the time of the shower I was 2 months late...too frightened to take a test, but was believing I was pregnant...and then Sunday morning got my period. My pain is so raw. My arms ache for a new little one....but God says not now. His timing is always perfect...He's right on time...He makes no mistakes. As I pray and think of all these other women, and another friend of mine who is struggling, I wonder how they "are"...praying the pain is not too much. We need to lean on the Lord in times such as these...He is our strength and we are to be content where we are RIGHT NOW...we can not make deals and say I'll be happy when God gives me a baby...no...we are to find our joy in the Lord and our salvation...not in our situation. My heart goes out to all ladies who are struggling with loss...loss to death, loss to miscarriage, or an empty womb. I feel your pain.

Living With Kids!

My husband spent a whole bunch of time re-doing the leaf in our dining table...while the polly was still drying he said to all of us..." DO NOT TOUCH THE TABLE!!"...needless to say within a few hours we had many little hand prints, a fingernail scratch, and about a dozen cat paw prints! LOL....my poor husband :0)

This morning, I had to call all boys together...they were all lined up....looking guilty....I asked them who peed all over the bathroom floor...the big ones looked relieved...hubby said...I'm glad I'm off the hook this time....little boys looked at each other and then the youngest boy told that it was him....then the oldest daughter comes out and told me that "Oh yeah...he told me about that...huh...I guess I didn't believe him!" GEESH!

Living with kids!!!

Snow

We have had so much snow this winter. The kids worked so hard this week, making pathways to the chicken coop, shoveling, making a way to the playhouse...things like that. Last night when they came in, I looked out and saw all the evidence of a fun day! This morning when I looked out it was a different scene for sure! The ground had a fresh blanket of snow...covering all the pathways and little footprints...the barn roof had it's beautiful covering of white glimmering snow, our homemade barn star was gorgeous! Then I thought of how upset I would be if I were the kids, all the work they just put into things this week....gone. This is my mind. I also thought of the horses, they just stand there....covered in snow and ice...I felt so sad for them. In reality, they have a warm and dry barn they can go into at any time....they chose to stand out in the weather...they must not mind. This is my mind. when my kids woke up all you could hear was delightful giggles and talk about how deep the snow was...how far up their little legs it would go...how much fun they would have digging out again...the minds of children are so much more positive than mine. It just amazed me at their joy, even though all they worked so hard on was gone....it reminds me that the Lord wants us to count it all as joy. I learned something important from my kids today...

What I'm Learning

This has been such a time of learning and growth as of late. I know we always grow and learn because God is the best teacher...and He is really working on me. It is SO hard to raise abused kids. I will never understand them. We have done foster care and took care of abused kids for 8 years now, and have done oodles of trainings and classes....but these kids are not all the same. Whatever these kids have gone through is a part of them, it makes them who they are. I don't think that most of them actually remember what happened to them in detail (one of mine DOES)...but it's still "in" them, does that make sense? These kids do not know the Lord as their Savior...yet. So, they don't lean on Him, and pull from His strength...they fight...HARD! One of my children has been B.A.D. EVERY SINGLE DAY....ALL DAY LONG.....since the beginning of October when she found out her oldest birth sister was moving to Virginia with an aunt. Her sister is not a safe person to live with, so she can't live here....her abuse created her to be a predator. This has made my daughter confused, lonely, and most of all MAD! She blames me for her not living with her birth family... I mean, her dad said that he loved her while hurting her....that's love right? It is soooo sad! She is pushing away...and I mean PUSHING away our love.... a healthy and good love, regular love,,,the kind parents and children are supposed to have...not the sick and abusive love she is used to. She pushes and is soo awful mean, she does this with tears in her eyes, she doesn't WANT to do this...I know she doesn't...but hate wins out...every day. We beg, pray, cry, talk....and nothing changes. So, what am I learning....I am learning that I have anger issues and am also learning to have patience. It makes me angry when she is so mean to me and my other kids....it makes me angry that she is hateful all the time...but my loving and patient God is still working on me...and He has shown me...it's not about ME...it's about her pain. Yes, it is so hard to live with....this is the reason she has bounced from home to home....but it's not about me....it doesn't have to be easy for me...anger just makes it worse, what example does that set? This week the behavior has spread like wild fire! All 5 adopted kids are acting the same hateful way! It has been the hardest week of my life! I have had a few not so proud moments where I let anger overcome me...but my forgiving and gracious Father has shown me again and again...to calm down and be patient! Yesterday, 2 of the five we well behaved. The other 3 were not. One was standing in time out until 9:00 pm last night! During this time my son needed to stand the proper way....he refused to do so until 9:00 pm! He broke 2 doors throwing fits! I got mad at first, and then God got ahold of me...and my husband and I prayed and talked...and we just left the room (he was not throwing a fit any longer, but still not standing the proper way) and we would just check with him every few minutes, talk it over with him so he understood this was not acceptable behavior and we are the boss so he must obey...he would say "no"...so we left him alone. He did not win....we "won"....he realized we are "the boss"...but there was no yelling or anything that would not please God (remember, I did have a few bad moments, but asked for forgiveness). I don't know why he's acting this way....he may not even know why he's acting this way....but he is. and I have to deal with it...patiently. So, God is teaching me patience. I pray that these little ones let God into their lives, but until then, the only example they have is my husband and I and my older saved children...I'm so glad He's still working on me!

"He's still working on me
to make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the sun and the earth
Jupiter and mars
how loving and patient He must be!
He's still working on me!"

Cleaning Out!

The kitchen is done...kind of :0) We REPAINTED the entire thing...but we now want to paint the door and fix the flooring...so it's not all the way done, but close! I will try to post pics tomorrow, I tried to take pics today, but the sun was too bright and I couldn't get a good picture. Since the kitchen looks so nice, it made the dining room look bad. We have gutted and re-done the dining room within the last few years, so I just had to clear out clutter and clean. I did that yesterday, and it looks great! Today I noticed how bad the mud room looks, it is connected to the dining room....one thing leads to another! So, today and for as long as it takes, I am going to clearing out and cleaning the mud room. This room is a mish mash of stuff...it's serves as our mud room and our computer room/school room. We do school together at the table, but 2 kids have desks out here and there is our home computer they use for math and games. So, it's kind of strange and messy. The kitchen and dining room are now bright colored and cheery...so I am trying to make this room the same! It will be fun~ For today I cleaned off the desk, and all the shelves and totes above the desk...cleaned the bookshelf, and I cleaned out and sorted one of my canning cupboards...I think I have like 80 jars of squash! I did find some potatoes and carrots that I had canned....some beets too! I thought those things were gone, so that is a nice treat! I now need to clean out the play-dough box! EEKK! I looked through a bit and found out where my husband put all of my cake decorating tips! He gave them to the kids for play-dough! I have been looking for them, and he said he just thought that was where they went because the cookie cutters are in there! LOL....Time to get busy!

Idle Time

God is showing me so much. All of my adopted kids are having a hard time, not because of the adoption, but because of their lack in training in the years before they lived here. Some of it may be that they are thinking about what they have lost, but it seems to be coming to me that they just don't have a very strong foundation....they don't really think they have to do what is right...when nobody is "watching". I have tried to talk with some people about this, and most of the time I get the "oh...kids are gonna be kids" bit. I WILL NOT accept that answer! I DO hold my kids up to a high standard...God's standard! I DO NOT think it's cute or funny to have kids act bratty and mean...I do not think it's OK when kids don't follow rules unless they are on your "hip"....I think of my two birth kids...I invested all of my time into them. I taught them all the time what was good and right. Yes, they are HUMAN....they make mistakes...but I can count on one hand how many times they have lied to me...things like that. Both of them can't sleep if they have done something wrong and have not confessed it first to God and then Rob and I, we taught them that. God has cultivated them....grown them....these kids need that to! Ashley and Tyler (my birth children) grew up in this environment....have been home educated....have been in church...have been under my husbands teaching....my other children have been for a short time. It's is AMAZING to see....even my youngest, when he was a baby knew how to steal...there former way of life is SO ingrained...all they knew before was lying, stealing, and cheating...they didn't know there was a God...they new drugs, rape, and abuse. What a gift these kids are...but I am seeing where their idle time is leading them...and it is NOT good! So, it's over. We are clearing out their bedrooms...no toys...NOTHING...we are clearing out the upstairs playroom...there will be no upstairs time! They were even doing bad things if they would head up to the bathroom! I am going to have them with me ALL of the time,,,, so I can train them and instruct them in what it good and right. I thought it was going well a few months ago so I let them go upstairs to play...and it was bad. They were playing inappropriate things and destroyed the upstairs...but I didn't catch on...I would ground them for a few days from it and try again. Must be I thought they would magicaly learn what is right and good....I can be thick. So, this is a new day...please pray for me.

Uh-Oh!

This is NOT good! We hate the paint color in the kitchen! YIKES! We have spent SOOOO much time and effort in the kitchen re-do, and to hate the paint color is very upsetting! I hope we can figure out what to do~ pictures will have to wait...sorry! LOL...The color we chose on the Valspar paint site was awesome, and then after we went to Lowe's and bought it...it's not the same color we chose, at all! UGH!

A BIG day!

Today is a BIG day....today is the day we finally finish our frugal kitchen re-do! Today we are painting the walls...and then we are DONE! It has been a L.O.N.G. process...it's almost over, I can't wait!

Library Day!

With making the choice to go back to doing our regular homeschool comes library day! Oh...how we have missed it! It felt so good to finally have time to go again! The library we go to is about 1/2 hr away and it's the coolest place EVER! They have a full size Thomas the Train table, a Lego table, bean bags, computers, games, puzzles, coloring supplies and more! I am teaching the kids about the government, and I was able to find lots of great children's books about the topic...we are learning about biomes, and I found lots of books about the biome the children chose...lots of books to read to the littles...and of course the bigs picked out free time reading books :0) We had a great time! It was funny...I had 8 kids and they were so quiet, and well behaved...other people were commenting on how good they were being...I think they missed it too! They practiced the game "don't break the sugar bowl" all the way there to make sure they were ready to be silent! LOL...I love library day! Can't wait for 2 weeks to pass and we can go back!

Ahh...That's Better!

We finally switched back from the online charter school to traditional homeschooling! Boy, am I ever relieved! I didn't realize how much I was not liking the charter school until I was no longer doing it. We are back to our "normal"...The bigs do independent work like spelling and math...from 9-11 am while I am JUST with all the littles....doing littes school :0) I have seen a major improvement in little kid behaviors....this is because they have ME....then the Bigs all do group teaching with me from 12:30-2:30 while the littles are resting and napping. That's it...we are ALL together and happy about it! No more jumping from topic to topic...we are actually going to LEARN something....Ahh....that feels much better!

Half Way Point

We are at the half way point of school and I feel so mixed up! We are using an online charter school and I think I like it. But am not really at peace with it either! My mind has became so consumed with this mess...do leave the charter school and go back to what I know...traditional homeschooling?? What I did was make a list of all the things that were bothering me, then I wrote those same things down again...but this time with a possible solution while staying at the school online. I wanted Friday's free to group teach my kids, as that was how I used to school them...so I had to have them all double up on lessons through the week to have this day free. Next week will be our first full week with the changes I have made. We shall see how it goes! It still seems like a bit much to me. It helped my heart to look at the pictures I have taken over the course of this year and it appears to be good...they look happy! ARGG...my head is such a mess! Please pray for me! Bottom line is I want more TIME with my kids....LIVING....DOING things...one of the major issues I have is that I am not a good planner, this school is all planned and laid out...and my time is not spent planning...which makes hubby happy. There are more things...but my time on the computer is up :)

The Laundry Game!

We actually have fun folding laundry! Yep, you heard that right....fun! Here's how you play the "Laundry Game"....have all your kids sit in spots around the living room...turn on some fun music...and mommy stands by the "pile"....reach in, pull out a piece of wash and toss it to the person it belongs to :) They fold their own wash and put it away! It's great fun!! They LOVE to catch their wash as it flies through the air...giggles are abundant on laundry folding days! Give it a try...it's free....it's productive...teaches team work....and it's great family fun!

What a Weekend!

Oh man...did we ever have an interesting weekend! We went to take our taxes to "the tax guy" and on the way home my 6yr old started getting sick in the car..she stayed sick for the weekend...My 10 yr old daughter also got sick..she needs to go to the Dr. this evening...and I fell on a toy and sprained my ankle! We are in rough shape this week! I have been praying about some things concerning living a slower life, slowing down in school and really ministering to my kids spiritual needs...this has been a help in starting to slow things down! God gives you just what you need when you need it!

Meet Lucky

Today was T.H.E. day! Ty was able to finally get his dream pet...a hamster! He saved up the $15 for it...and $110 of my money later...we were home with Lucky! I am not thrilled about having a rodent in the house...but as long as it stays in it's cage all will be well in my world! The kids are having fun watching it climb all over. It's neat to see how much the kids love animals and take such good care of them :0) So, there you have it...Lucky is the newest member of our family :0)

I'm Calmed Down Now :0)

I think I have calmed myself down from the upset I was having about homeschool yesterday. I hate it when I get feeling like that, and it usually comes when I start comparing myself to other moms! This is not a healthy or wise thing to do! I "think" ...at least for now... I am going to try to stick with this school for as long as we can make it work. There are many things about this school that I like and many that I do not. BUT....the actual "school" part is just that...school. I really want to focus more on the training of my children and being with them. This school does not require much of ME...so I am free to do more with THEM. This I like :0) I am going to try to pick apart the lessons more and add what I can. I did find a similar program that is NOT a "school"...it is traditional homeschool, but it's an online curriculum that you buy. I could school them for about $400 a year. That's not too bad for 7 kids...I might look into this later on, if I feel led to do so. I would have much more wiggle room...which could be good...or bad! Ha! I am so wishy washy! I know myself so well, and I am too soft...anyways...this is the choice for now :0) I really want to try to make the best of what we are doing....we shall see! Wish me luck!