Monday, February 28, 2011
Raw Pain
It seems to be everywhere....this raw pain. I went to a celebration of life on Saturday...what a time to celebrate the birth of a sweet little life....but within this joy was so much pain. Strange. We ( a whole bunch of ladies from church) were there to celebrate...there was a young, newly married girl, who just had a miscarriage...the shower was for her best friend. There was another young woman, the guest of honor's sister, who recently found out she can not carry a child and has miscarriages...there were older ladies who had lost babies, ladies who wished they had had more children, ladies who lost their husbands and all they have to hold are their children...and the guest of honor's own mother had lost a daughter when she was only 4...and then there was myself...I had a tubal reversal almost a year ago...and no pregnancy yet. At the time of the shower I was 2 months late...too frightened to take a test, but was believing I was pregnant...and then Sunday morning got my period. My pain is so raw. My arms ache for a new little one....but God says not now. His timing is always perfect...He's right on time...He makes no mistakes. As I pray and think of all these other women, and another friend of mine who is struggling, I wonder how they "are"...praying the pain is not too much. We need to lean on the Lord in times such as these...He is our strength and we are to be content where we are RIGHT NOW...we can not make deals and say I'll be happy when God gives me a baby...no...we are to find our joy in the Lord and our salvation...not in our situation. My heart goes out to all ladies who are struggling with loss...loss to death, loss to miscarriage, or an empty womb. I feel your pain.
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Oh Kim..that post is so raw..
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggest struggles of my life, and one I never bargained for, is how difficult it's been to grieve for my dear TR friends who are still waiting, or experienced loss(es) after TR.
The guilt over being blessed twice now, has me very regularly asking God, "Why are you giving ME this? Why not (insert name) too? She has prayed as much as me for new life..why?"
I still don't understand, and for a while it was hard for me to even enjoy my blessings..I had shut my womb, repented, restored my physical body with TR and then I'm blessed? Why?
I know one thing..my heart grieves those with losses or empty wombs far more than it used to because I know what it's like to have an empty womb. To feel nauseated and panicky when seeing a pregnant woman-one you know you need to be gracious and talk to...I know the pain of deeply longing for new life, and to have the world think you are insane because you "already have a bunch of kids"..so I can grieve with other women, too. Before my second child I lost a baby at the end of the 1st trimester. It was so difficult because my body had no plan on miscarrying the baby that died..it just lingered in that state and I had to have a D&C. Even to this day I feel guilt over removing that baby that was shown to me five times to be gone..
My very best friend, a woman I met 3 years ago through TR, is still waiting and has experienced painful TR losses. I don't know why...I am sad for her because I love her.
I know God is perfect, righteous and His timing and His plan is without flaw. We can trust in that and gain faith through that. However, it's a very hard road this life..and full of much pain in many different ways. I nearly lost my life through a misdiagnosis and then subsequent treatment for a year with chemo. The story is on my blog about a month ago.
Why do these things happen? To sharpen iron..to draw us near to God..and to make the blessing so much sweeter when He decides it's time to bring us out of that fire and into green pastures.
God Bless you. I'll pray for you, and I wanted you to know that I am acutely aware of this raw pain with so many..
Thank you for the encouraging words...it has helped me. I must be honest, I do get jealous about hearing about people who can get pregnant after TR...I felt like I was so "sure" when I had the surgery...but I guess it's not "me" who decides...it is incredibly hard....thanks for the prayers!
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteAs a married woman who is currently childless NOT by choice, I can honestly say that it is quite painful to want a child, yet no child comes. I know that we are to be thankful and content where we are in life, but sometimes, it's hard. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever hold a dear babe in my arms! :(
-Lady Rose